Holding My Thoughts In My Heart
by sinner saint
Summary: Cloud has time to think about Aeris after the gang have destroyed Meteor.


Holding My Thoughts In My Heart 

By Sinner Saint

Did you know I dreamed of you?

I dreamed of your lips on mine, holding you tightly in my arms and never letting you go. I dreamed you were by my side again, watching, waiting. Smiling.

I think when you left; you took all my smiles with you.

When I woke up, the sun was rising, staining the sky a crimson red. I was so sure you were there…but there was nothing left but a wide, gaping hole where you should be.

I never cry.

At least, I never cried until your death. But when I woke up that morning, I cried again. I was unashamed; I didn't care who might see me.

It started to rain.

It fell gently at first, softly, silently. Then it got harder and harder, hammering on the parched ground around me. I couldn't help but feel that the sky was crying with me. Or perhaps you were up there, watching me. If you were, were you crying too? Or were you smiling, as I'll always remember you?

I have to remember you now; I have to keep the thought of you close to my heart, or I might lose you completely. Your memory is all I have left.

I have no home…and I'm walking alone again. Without you, I am alone. Perhaps that is how it is supposed to be. Was it my fault you died?

You left without a word, while I was sleeping. I never got a chance to say goodbye. If I had known what you would do, I would have told you how I felt, how I still feel. But I was too stupid, too afraid of getting hurt to let you know.

If I had told you, would it have changed anything?

Would you still be here, right now, if I had the courage to speak the three little words that always held me back?

_I love you._

It doesn't make a difference. If anything, it just hurts me more. Realising what I've lost through my narrow-mindedness and my stupidity.

I feel so immature, so young, and so vulnerable. Why do I have to want things that I know I can never have?

My mind always turns to the day when I lost you. We never even had a chance to speak before I saw _him_ plunge the steel into your fragile body.

_I'll come back when it's all over._

Those were the last words you ever spoke to me, and even then, I was dreaming. Aeris, is it still not over? Or were you just lying so I wouldn't worry?

_You haven't done anything. It's not your fault._

Those words were definitely real. You said them to me, just before I lost control, before I attacked you. Maybe you were scared of me? Maybe you were scared that I was just a puppet, and not any old puppet, but _his_ puppet. Sephiroth's.

Was it my fault? Did I force you away? I never meant to hurt you. Of course I didn't.

When I first saw you, it was your innocence that struck me.

_Excuse me. What happened?_

Did you really honestly not know? Did you not guess from the screaming, the shouting and the fire? Or maybe you were trying to pretend that it wasn't happening, maybe you were trying to pretend everything was all right.

How can anything be okay in a city like Midgar? You were the one pure, beautiful thing in the whole place. I was surrounded by fire, by screams, by horrible people; loud techno music, drugs, everything bad, and then you came out of the darkness, holding flowers.

_Excuse me. What happened?_

If you had never asked me that question, would you still be around?

It's pointless to even ask all these questions, as I know it won't make any sort of difference. Regret can never bring you back, and neither will revenge.

I saw you again, a shining angel, lighting up the darkness. I thought I was dead after I fell through the church roof. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, if such a place could possibly ever exist.

But you were real, and so was I. Perhaps that was where we met our downfall: through being human.

When they came for you, came to take you away, I protected you then, from Reno and the other Turks.

Why could I protect you then, but not when you really needed me?

I blame myself for your death. If you had never met me, you never wouldn't have been dragged into the whole situation in the first place.

And what about Elmyra? What about her? Am I supposed to tell her that her daughter's dead? How can anybody do that? And being back there…it would almost be like being back with you. I doubt the house has lost your presence, your essence.

I don't know if you ever felt the way about me the way I feel about you. Maybe you were still in love with Zack? Somebody loved is hard to replace. You managed to deal with it better than I did; you were still happy and bright and smiling, even without Zack. Look at me now. Look at me back then…

I didn't want to believe it was real…how could it be? Aeris, Aeris who was so full of life, bursting with energy, slumped over…was she…dead? No…impossible.

He was there, laughing at me.

_Aeris is gone. Aeris will no longer talk, no longer laugh, cry... or get angry... What about us... what are WE supposed to do?_

I wanted more than anything for you to get up then. I didn't care if you were angry with me, if you were sad. I just wanted you to be alive. 

_What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me you have feelings too?_

Of course I do…why wouldn't I? Why did he laugh at me like that? Like I didn't matter, like I wasn't important… 

_Because, you are... a puppet._

If that's true, then puppets must be capable of feeling things too. Nobody can try to tell me that I'll never have emotions. I lost you that day, and I lost myself too. 

We tried to give you a proper burial, really we did. We thought we should lay you to rest close to where you died. After all, it was you home, wasn't it? Or at least, it was the home of your ancestors. 

As I let your body slide away from me, you just looked like you were sleeping. There was no blood, nothing. You just slipped down to the bottom of the lake. That's where you lie now. 

You died trying to save the planet from Sephiroth. You tried to summon holy, tried your best to stop him from destroying all of us, but destroyed yourself in the process. You were so selfless; you gave our lives for us. 

That little piece of white materia meant everything to our cause; our only hope of saving ourselves. It was all that you had left us. But I hated it. It was the reason for your death, the reason you left me. 

But I still promised I would use it. I couldn't let you die in vain; I had to carry on what you had left. That's why I chose to fight Sephiroth with holy. 

On the day that we fought him, I never thought I'd make it out of there alive. Part of me wanted to die; that way I could go back to the Planet; that way, I could go back to you. 

When I faced him alone, all my anger and rage were built up inside of me; I wanted him dead for what he had done to you. I didn't hold back; it was like something had taken over my body. He is dead now, but I don't think he is gone. 

As we left the crater, holy went wrong. It was having the opposite effect…had all our fighting, had your death been in vain? Would meteor destroy us anyway? 

But then Lifestream came. 

That was you too; I know it. You saved us after all, even though you were dead, you still saved us. The whole Planet, not just me, owes their life to you. 

Now I know something that I didn't then. I know where to find you. 

It's so simple. I can't believe I never thought of it before. 

You're in the Promise Land. 

I journeyed again, this time alone, to find the Promised Land. I went to meet you, Aeris. I will find you, even though the pain and grief sometimes become too much to bear alone. 

After a while, I came to realise something: 

The Promised Land does exist. It exists within ourselves, in our hearts. 

That's where you exist, Aeris. I'm coming to meet you, for real this time. 

And I know you'll be waiting for me with open arms and a smile on your face. 


End file.
